I don't know how to do this!

I have always been fascinated by Mary's role in the Christmas story. Every since I was a teenager myself I have contemplated what it would have been like to be so young, so inexperienced and to know that you are carrying the Son of God in your womb, then cradling him in your arms, then teaching him how to read, then hear his voice get deeper as he entered adolescence, then watch him die for your sins!

Amy Grant released a Christmas song sung from Mary's perspective when I was 16 years old, just a little older than Mary would have been when the angel appeared to her announcing God's will for her life. That song greatly impacted me as that was the same year that I had heard the Lord speaking his will into my own life during my first mission trip to Mexico. I spent a lot of time that year wondering if I was willing to truly do whatever he would ask of me, just like Mary. I even sang that song in my home church that winter.

I hadn't heard that song for years, until now. I ran across it in a Christmas piano book that Ashleigh has and sat down to play and sing it the other day. I was shocked at how the words and attitude expressed still apply! You can hear the song by clicking on the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2egKS4d1oI

Allow me to share with you some of the lyrics and how real they are now!

I have travelled many moonless nights,

Cold and weary with a babe inside,

And I wonder what I've done.

Holy Father, you have come,

And chosen me now to carry your Son.

I may not have carried God's son in my womb, but I marvel at the fact that, knowing who I am, all that I have thought, said and done, that He would still come and choose me to carry His Son to a hurting world! He has chosen you to do the same! Jesus may not physically be present in our wombs, but His Spirit is present in our hearts and we have been chosen to carry Him and His light wherever we go.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone,

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

There are times that I look around me and I am truly frightened by the load I bear - of loving my husband in a Godly way, of raising up my children in the Lord's way, of leading others as we minister together, of communicating accurately with you, and more. I am reminded of the coldness of this world when I try to love my children and they reject that love and turn away. Although we all know that we are not alone, sometimes it certainly feels that way, and my heartfelt cry, many times throughout the day is simply: "Be with me now!" Praise the Lord that Jesus is Emmanuel - "the with us God!"

Do you wonder as you watch my face,

if a wiser one should have had my place?

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be.

Help me.

Amen to all that! Just several times this past week I have asked the Lord if He really knew what he was doing when He chose me to serve Him in this manner. "Lord, are you sure you didn't pick the wrong gal? I don't know how to raise 11+ children who are each unique, full of ugly, difficult pasts, all different ages, etc., etc., etc.! I don't know how to lead a staff to serve together in unity who come from different countries, speak different languages and who are each so unique...and all of them older than me! I don't know how to build a house! I don't know how to do accounting! I don't know how.....!" After my little rampage with the Lord, the only thing left for me to do is to say: "But here I am, use me as you want, as you desire, as you see fit, BUT, just help me be strong! Sometimes, just help me BE! Just...help me!"

You know what? He always does! Oh, He doesn't fill me with false feelings of capability and self-reliance. No, He usually sends several more situations to remind me just how much I don't know so that I have to keep running to Him and say: "Help!"

Paul reminds us in God's precious Word: "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

The Lord knows my weaknesses better than anybody (sometimes even better than what I am willing to admit myself) and in His infinite mercy He has chosen me despite of those weaknesses. Actually, I think He chooses us not despite our weaknesses but because of our weaknesses so that He will be glorified, so that we will depend on Him, so that we will move and breathe in Him and so that when we accomplish anything it is obvious that it was truly Him and not us!

So, don't be afraid of that which makes you feel week, powerless, incapable - that is exactly where the Lord wants you, but don't just stay there feeling week, powerless and incapable, run to He who is strong, powerful and capable of all things - for Whom there is nothing impossible!

"Oh, Breath of Heaven, hold us together, be forever near us, lighten our darkness, pour over us your holiness, for You are holy!"

Daniel and I! The most incredible thing is that when we go to those places where we feel we are incapable and God gives us His capability, He also gives us wonderful recompenses - like the honor and privilege of being Daniel's mommy!

"Christmas Ideas" by Ashleigh

Let see, the last two posts have highlighted Jerry and Troy who have been here working on the Marshall's apartment. So, that topic of the week is pretty much covered. Looking back on the week I can't think of anything that is unusual or really worth telling everyone here on the blog.

So, maybe I will just post about Christmas again. It's a favorite topic of mine. I love Christmas! I love the magicalness (a word of my creating) of the holiday and God has been giving me some great ideas to get excited about! Now, I can only share these if you don't tell the kids. Surprise is an integral part in most of what I am about to tell you.

I don't hear the kids playing Christmas music ever. I don't think that they have much in Spanish anyway but even if they did I don't know that they would voluntarily put it on. So, I am on a quest (and have been rather successful already) to get some Christmas music in Spanish. The kind you put on for atmosphere and reminds you of what time of the year it is and why you are so incredibly grateful! That's was the first idea in trying to help the kids be able to "own" wonderful Christmas memories.

The second idea I will admit is probably completely American. However, that's what I have, right? :) I got several of my favorite Christmas cookie recipes from my mom and planning on baking up a storm sometime this next week and encouraging any kids to join me! (Is someone thinking Christmas music during Christmas baking?) I am hoping that can produce some good memory making time.

And my last idea (which I have to attributed most of the brilliance to Lucy and Julie) is the Christmas presents I am making for the kids. They are going to get their own Christmas ornament that is personalized to them! This is my favorite one because next year when it comes to decorating the tree they will have something of their own to put on it and it will be filled with love.

I'm so excited!!! Please be praying that the kids step out of their comfort zone and attempt to get involved in these ideas!

His Perfect Timing by Mark and Lucy

This week has been exciting. Before we got to work on Monday, we (Mark, Lucy, Aaron, Joanna, Ashleigh, Troy, and Jerry) spent Sunday seeing some local sights. We drove up Mount Popo as far as is allowed for some awesome photos, a snack, and a group Bible study in English. It was a beautiful clear day, and the fresh snow on the peak provided some great pictures. After we drove down the mountain, we headed for the hacienda ruins near Refuge Ranch.

Troy Robertson and Jerry Roller are here from Logansport, and I am enjoying working with them. We are working with different materials than any of us have used before so we are learning as we go. Of course, I was hoping we would be able to frame all the apartment walls and get drywall hung this week. It has been a little slower than we like, but it has been very good progress. We are framing each wall with steel studs, running electrical wiring, and installing styrofoam insulation as we go. We have figured out a process that is working pretty well. Here are some pictures of our current progress.

Neither Troy nor Jerry had ever traveled outside of the country before last Saturday. They did not meet until they saw each other at the airport. They both had wanted to go on mission trips with their church groups to Refuge Ranch, but the time had not been right. Yet God called them to come and help us this week, and we are grateful. He is so good at providing what is needed at just the right time. They both have skills that we needed this week to complete the framing for the drywall. It would have taken much longer to complete without their help and knowledge of construction. God chooses many times to give us just what we need at just the right time. This was one of those times.

Last year, we did a cantata at church for Christmas called “In the Fullness of Time.” When the time was right, God sent His only son to earth to save the people from their sins. When the time is right, He will return to bring His children home. In the meantime, when the time is right, He will send just the right people to Refuge Ranch to do His work here in Mexico. Thank God for His perfect timing.

But when ^the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, ^born of a woman, born ^ under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Galatians 4:4-5

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Right Now

Greetings, once again, from Refuge Ranch! Want to know what's happening...right now?! It is 9:52 a.m. and here goes:

Victor: preparing his sermon for church this Sunday (He preaches periodically.)

Julie: writing this blog (duh!)

Angie: drying dishes

Diana: caring for Caleb, Ruth, Ana and Daniel (Each of the older girls cares for the little ones a different day of the week.)

Martita: washing breakfast dishes

Martha: in school

Fidel: in school

Josiah: playing outside trying to get out of school until I get there!

Jocelin: clearing the breakfast table(s)

Caleb: outside with Diana and his youngest siblings (They are going on a bird-feeding expedition in an open field in front of the main house.)

Ruth: on the bird-feeding expedition

Ana: on the bird-feeding expedition

Daniel: on the bird-feeding expedition

Mark: dry walling the apartment in the basement
Lucy: in school

Aaron: in school
Joanna: in school

Ashleigh: canning pickle relish
Magda: running personal errands in Mexico City

Erika: in school

Cirino: eating breakfast

Bernabe and Berenice: eating breakfast with their dad

Rosa: cleaning up from breakfast and starting lunch preparations

AND...

Two very special visitors: Jerry and Troy from Indiana are here working on dry walling the basement apartment and laundry room! Yeah!

Jerry is a member at Shiloh Christian Church and Troy is from Upper Deer Creek Church and they both heard the Lord calling them to come and help with the dry walling of the Marshall's apartment and the laundry room in the main house. Praise the Lord!

They arrived Saturday night, after a two hour delay in Houston, and enjoyed a relaxing Sunday with the Marshall family and Ashleigh visiting Popo (the volcano near our home) and an abandoned hacienda also near Refuge Ranch.

Yesterday they started the drywall process! How exciting! It is always slow going on the first day of a work team as the workers adjust to new and creative ways of working here in Mexico, so they are looking forward to making lots of progress today.

We thank the Lord that He provided for the drywall through the sale of Mark and Lucy's home in Indiana. Marshall's tithed off that sale and were able to purchase the drywall supplies. As always, we continue to pray for and trust in the Lord's provision for the remaining money needed to finish the apartment and laundry room.

Troy and Josiah playing checkers, no, maybe it's chess, no, I think it is a new game invented by Josiah, but they had fun nonetheless.

Mark and Jerry playing UNO with Jocelin while Lucy looks on.

May the Lord richly bless you all with His peace, presence, purposes and provision in this Christmas season and beyond!

With love,

Julie Zaragoza

"Christmas in the Basement" by Ashleigh

The Christmas tree in the basement

There are many things that I love about Christmas. Most of them don't happen in Mexico. For instance snow, caroling, bundling up and snuggling in blankets, baking with and for my family, sitting with my family drinking coffee in the evenings and looking at the Christmas light strung all over the house.

Now before I give the impression that I am mourning a loss let me assure you that I am not. I am looking forward to adding to the list. I have a sense of anticipation to what Christmas will be like this year. So far, I have gone through a hedge maze at the tree farm, decorated the tree with the Marshall family as they shared memories about many of the ornaments, and I am anticipating making gingerbread houses with the kids for art class in a week (which they have never done) just to name a few.

I greatly enjoyed helping and watching the Marshall's decorate the tree and see them interact as a family. They joyfully shared memories about ornaments or stories of past Christmases that were brought back to mind. I was encouraged to know that there were other people to share the joy of the season with this year. They got excited about a tree, fully incorporated me into the decorating process, and allow me to join in on their family time. God knew how much I needed that for my first Christmas season away from home.

I know Julie shared a little last Monday on what Christmas is like in Mexico. However, I wanted to share a little bit of where my heart and prayers have been also that you may join me in prayer. There is power in numbers!

Luke: 2:10 says, "But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people...'"

The Christmas season is all about the great joy that we have because of the good news we have received. This joy is given to all who believe the good news but we have to chose to receive it and live out of it. That is the focus of my prayers and desires the the children this month. That God would open up their hearts and minds to understand the great joy that they have been given with the good news of Christ! That the enemy would not allow them to dwell on what they "missed" but that God would show them what they have in Him. Please join me in praying that God would be triumphant this season in each one of the children's hearts.

Glory and Majesty by Lucy

El Popo is the active volcano we can see from Refuge Ranch. On a clear day, it is absolutely stunning in its beauty. This morning I decided to do my devotions outside. The sun is shining from behind and to the right of Popo. The sky is blue in that direction, but cloudy and dark in the opposite direction. The sun is shining on the undersides of those clouds, giving them a slightly pinkish hue. I wonder which way the clouds will move? Will they continue down the valley, leaving us with blue sky and a clear view of Popo? Or move toward Popo, covering it and obliterating the sunshine for a time? Either way, I know Popo will still be there, in all its majesty. I've never seen such beauty in the skyline, as I've seen here. It always feels like a promise of what is to come someday.

Some days I feel like my life is filled with clouds, and it is hard to see God, to feel close to Him. But I can rest assured that He is always there. Sometimes I catch just a glimpse of Him peeking through the clouds in my life (Like Popo on a cloudy day), reminding me He is still there. And other times, the clouds are completely gone, and He shines through with a brightness beyond compare. I thank God for His reminders of His majesty each and every day, whether we can see them physically or not. And someday, we will truly see His majesty in all its glory! What a day that will be!

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. 1 Chronicles 29:11

Holiday Realities

It is 6:45 a.m. here at Refuge Ranch and I just opened the curtains of my office to let the sunrise in and....it is really foggy today! Wow! Too bad homeschoolers can't call fog delays!

Like many of you, our family is in the midst of the throes of celebrating this Christmas season. We, along with the staff from Refuge Ranch, trekked to the Christmas tree farm last Friday and cut down two trees - one for the house and one for the basement where we homeschool and our staff lives. After choosing the trees and cutting them down, we had a cookout, played on a swinging bridge playground and went through a labrynth formed by pine bushes. Now, before you all say: "Ahh, what a time of beautiful family unity", let me give you another take on holidays here at Refuge Ranch.

Before I begin, here is a misclaimer - this Thanksgiving and the first preparations for Christmas have gone better this year than any year previous, but they are still not anywhere near "easy" nor fully enjoyable. Read on to find out why!

There are many days that, praise the Lord, I nearly forget each of my children's pasts, where they have come from and what they have suffered. The Lord has done, and continues to do, a miraculous work of restoration in each of their lives. I know only bits and pieces of their abusive childhoods. Even they themselves are not consciously aware of all that they have suffered, but are discovering new scars as they grow older. These scars and memories seem to most rear their ugly heads during family festivities - birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, tainting each one of these events and threatening to steal the joy that the Lord has prepared for us!

For example, just last week, in order to celebrate Thanksgiving, we spent two entire days preparing for the event and, at the last minute, Victor and I were showering and getting on our Sunday clothes for Thanksgiving dinner. One of our daughters came in and, in a tone of voice that teenagers seem to have perfected, said: "Why are you getting so dressed up? What's the big deal?" when she had been a part of the preparations and knew exactly what the "big deal" was. That same child then looked at the thank you notes that I had handwritten for each member of the family and staff and left at their place settings and said: "What are these for?" but with a voice full of mistrust, insecurities and judgement. Ugh! It is so much easier to reject love and inclusion rather than go through the work to learn how to receive and give love.

So, Friday we took off for the Christmas tree farm! In past years this usually means that upon arriving at the farm the older kids disappear between the pine trees, trying to deny the fact that Christmas is coming, while Victor and I do our best to pick out the tree, only to get home and hear complaint after complaint about how ugly the tree is! This year two of our oldest daughters shouted at us from across the tree farm that they had found a tree! My heart lept, I mean, really lept, for joy as Victor and I went to "inspect" their find! Mind you, I didn't care what that tree would have looked like - they had shown an interest in participating in this family tradition and I was going to encourage that as much as possible - the tree they chose was the tree that was coming home with us! (They did do a good job of picking it out - it is gorgeous and it is even more gorgeous because they picked it out!)

Upon arriving at home, I had the help of the youngest children in doing a fine job of "sorting" Christmas tree ornaments as they spread them all over the living room floor. The older children's absence was notorious as they sought refuge in their bedrooms. Soon, one of the girls came back and, praise the Lord, joyfully and energetically helped me string the lights on the tree. Slowly, each one of the kids showed up and began to at least hang around the edges of the living room and even began to participate in small ways. One helped hang up the stockings around the living room window (the fireplace does not have room for 13 stockings!). Another found a broken ornament and fixed it for me voluntarily, refusing to hang it on the tree, but it was a huge step that this individual was even present in the room as we decorated the tree and an even bigger step was taken by offering to fix the ornament!

These attitudes are the ones that we confront as we do advent devotionals, wrap Christmas gifts, plan Christmas dinner and especially on Christmas morning! Why?

The other day one of our kids said: "I hate Christmas." I nonchalantly responded, "Why?" This person answered back: "Because it's about family." I gently reminded this individual that Christmas is not about family, it is about Jesus Christ, God Almighty, taking the form of a human being and coming to earth to save us from our sins! Lord, help us focus on this!

Why is Christmas and family so painful for our kids? For some, our family traditions are acute reminders of all they did NOT have as younger children, reminders of what "should have been" and never was. For some, while they love us, the Christmas season and birthdays are a blatant reminder to them that they would really like to be celebrating these days with their biological families, but that that is not possible. For others, Christmas meant a time of heightened drunkeness as their biological parents sought refuge in alcohol, resulting in more family violence and abuse than the rest of the year. So, while for me, Christmas lights are a reminder of peace and joy, for several of our children, Christmas lights are a reminder of conflict, drunken rages, and physical and emotional abuse. Lord, have mercy!

I share this so that you can pray, and pray with a passion, this Christmas season. Please pray that the Lord would continue to fully restore our children's hearts and lives. Please pray for love, patience and perseverance as Victor and I and the staff seek to lead our children in a Godly celebration. Please pray that the Lord would pour His joy and peace upon our family.

(I have not included any pictures in this blog so as to protect the identity of the children as to who participated and who did not. One of our biggest challenges in sharing with you through the blog, the newsletters and the prayer calendar, is being specific enough so that you can share in our joys and trials, while protecting the privacy of each of the children. Thank you for your patience, understanding and sensitivity!)

With much love,
Julie Zaragoza