I don't know how to do this!

I have always been fascinated by Mary's role in the Christmas story. Every since I was a teenager myself I have contemplated what it would have been like to be so young, so inexperienced and to know that you are carrying the Son of God in your womb, then cradling him in your arms, then teaching him how to read, then hear his voice get deeper as he entered adolescence, then watch him die for your sins!

Amy Grant released a Christmas song sung from Mary's perspective when I was 16 years old, just a little older than Mary would have been when the angel appeared to her announcing God's will for her life. That song greatly impacted me as that was the same year that I had heard the Lord speaking his will into my own life during my first mission trip to Mexico. I spent a lot of time that year wondering if I was willing to truly do whatever he would ask of me, just like Mary. I even sang that song in my home church that winter.

I hadn't heard that song for years, until now. I ran across it in a Christmas piano book that Ashleigh has and sat down to play and sing it the other day. I was shocked at how the words and attitude expressed still apply! You can hear the song by clicking on the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2egKS4d1oI

Allow me to share with you some of the lyrics and how real they are now!

I have travelled many moonless nights,

Cold and weary with a babe inside,

And I wonder what I've done.

Holy Father, you have come,

And chosen me now to carry your Son.

I may not have carried God's son in my womb, but I marvel at the fact that, knowing who I am, all that I have thought, said and done, that He would still come and choose me to carry His Son to a hurting world! He has chosen you to do the same! Jesus may not physically be present in our wombs, but His Spirit is present in our hearts and we have been chosen to carry Him and His light wherever we go.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone,

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

There are times that I look around me and I am truly frightened by the load I bear - of loving my husband in a Godly way, of raising up my children in the Lord's way, of leading others as we minister together, of communicating accurately with you, and more. I am reminded of the coldness of this world when I try to love my children and they reject that love and turn away. Although we all know that we are not alone, sometimes it certainly feels that way, and my heartfelt cry, many times throughout the day is simply: "Be with me now!" Praise the Lord that Jesus is Emmanuel - "the with us God!"

Do you wonder as you watch my face,

if a wiser one should have had my place?

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be.

Help me.

Amen to all that! Just several times this past week I have asked the Lord if He really knew what he was doing when He chose me to serve Him in this manner. "Lord, are you sure you didn't pick the wrong gal? I don't know how to raise 11+ children who are each unique, full of ugly, difficult pasts, all different ages, etc., etc., etc.! I don't know how to lead a staff to serve together in unity who come from different countries, speak different languages and who are each so unique...and all of them older than me! I don't know how to build a house! I don't know how to do accounting! I don't know how.....!" After my little rampage with the Lord, the only thing left for me to do is to say: "But here I am, use me as you want, as you desire, as you see fit, BUT, just help me be strong! Sometimes, just help me BE! Just...help me!"

You know what? He always does! Oh, He doesn't fill me with false feelings of capability and self-reliance. No, He usually sends several more situations to remind me just how much I don't know so that I have to keep running to Him and say: "Help!"

Paul reminds us in God's precious Word: "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

The Lord knows my weaknesses better than anybody (sometimes even better than what I am willing to admit myself) and in His infinite mercy He has chosen me despite of those weaknesses. Actually, I think He chooses us not despite our weaknesses but because of our weaknesses so that He will be glorified, so that we will depend on Him, so that we will move and breathe in Him and so that when we accomplish anything it is obvious that it was truly Him and not us!

So, don't be afraid of that which makes you feel week, powerless, incapable - that is exactly where the Lord wants you, but don't just stay there feeling week, powerless and incapable, run to He who is strong, powerful and capable of all things - for Whom there is nothing impossible!

"Oh, Breath of Heaven, hold us together, be forever near us, lighten our darkness, pour over us your holiness, for You are holy!"

Daniel and I! The most incredible thing is that when we go to those places where we feel we are incapable and God gives us His capability, He also gives us wonderful recompenses - like the honor and privilege of being Daniel's mommy!